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Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Things I wish I hadn't said

We all make mistakes.

Here are some verbal mistakes of mine, in ascending order of cringe-making, fear and embarrassment.

5. Saying "Yes" when Alan Bradley asked me to hold and then drop the small glass bottle in the playground at school.  Alan's Dad was a Chemistry Professor at Glasgow University.  Alan was a sociopath (we didn't know that word then, we just knew he was very scary). The bottle contained about 4ml of nitroglycerine.  The resultant explosion got me 6 of the belt on general principles.  There was no evidence left apart from the fragments of glass embedded in my flesh (This was seen as poetic justice and would be a good character building experience)  Alan walked away as if nothing had happened.

4. Saying "OK" to my then fiance's friend when he asked if we wanted to have our wedding reception at his restaurant.  For the full unexpurgated awfulness of the experience, see weddings.

3. Shouting "Safe to Fire" when I was the Safety Officer during a Field Artillery exercise in the UK, and promptly reduced a rather large flock of sheep to mince.

2. Saying "I do".  'nuff said.

1. And the winner. This is I think the most stupid thing I've ever said.  It produced a laugh in the staffroom, but it embarrassed a nice lady and I felt like a prat.  Picture the scene.  A full staffroom at our morning briefing.  The Principal has just finished droning on about something important regarding the NZQA and is moving onto the usual general notes for the day.  He then announces that one of our Deans is going to be leaving us for a little time as she is pregnant.

Into the momentary hush produced by this announcement, I say, In a loud and clear voice(with just a hint of brogue)
"It wasn't me"

I thought Richard [of RBB] was going to fall off his chair in the quiet corner.
Even as I said it I cringed, and later appologised to the lady concerned.
Ever wish for a time machine?


  1. yes.........that really did make me wince and I don't wince easily!!

  2. It would have served you right if the young woman in question had said "Yes it was you sod!"

  3. Not much you can say to this.

    What a list!

  4. YaH: I like to inculcate emotions, thanks for your reaction. How do you think I felt?

    TC: No, she was too pretty and I'm too old. Nobody would have believed me, and if they had I wpuld have insisted on a DNA test.

    Alistair: You should see the things I didn't list. The statute of limitations being waht it is.

  5. It seems like many of your mistakes have to do with saying "yes." LOL.

  6. Number one is hilarious! I'd have crying with laughter if I'd been there. That's not your fault TSB, that's some people who;ve had a sense of humour bypass.

  7. Number one is hilarious! I'd have crying with laughter if I'd been there. That's not your fault TSB, that's some people who;ve had a sense of humour bypass.

  8. Patience_Crabstick: YES is a very dangerous word, the problem is that NO can be even worse.

    Consider; "Does my bum look small in these jeans?"
    "Do you still love me Dear?"
    or even
    "Do you want another whisky?"

    looby: Thanks, I think my subconscious has a better sense of humour than me, because i honestly didn't intend to say anything, it (in the immortal words of W.C.Fields) "just came out"

  9. A magic moment! The only staff briefing I remember being present at.


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