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Wednesday, 19 October 2011


This Sunday, the Pride of New Zealand; The All Blacks, face the perfidious French in the RWC® final.

After the snail-eating bastards won in 2007 (by the decision of a short-sighted English Referee) (Typical)and threw us out at the quarter final stage, revenge is within our grasp.

I just thought I'd go over some of the characteristics of the French to put things in perspective.

Here are some of the things we can thank the French for:
  • Bread: (Quite honestly there is nothing as good as a freshly baked baguette, especially with Normandy Butter)
  • Cheese: The variety s superb, the taste sublime, the smell atrocious.
  • Wine: A good cheap basic vin rouge from Bordeaux, sold in the French supermarkets in plastic 2 litre bottles cannot be beaten for everyday consumption.  They do however take the whole idea of wine-snobbery to new and exalted levels.
  • Patés: Superb, especially that variety called Rillettes.
  • Telling Muslim women they can't wear burkkas in public (racial bigotry can sometimes be useful)
  • Brigette Bardot:  Nothing more to be said.
Oooh La La

Now the down side.

  • Snails.  WTF?  Nobody in their right mind would even attempt to eat these slime excreting gastropods, and trying to elevate them to the realms of gastronomy is just complete insanity.
  • Gratitude:  The French cannot grasp this rather basic concept.  We saved your arses in Two World Wars, and you just don't give a f*ck.
  • De Gaulle: as above you cheese-eating surrender monkey.  Say NON to the Brits about getting into the EU would you?
  • Common Market:  Cut off the Commonwealth from the UK. NZ lamb became Persona Non Gratia
  • Cheese: I know it was in the "Good" list, but everything can be taken to the extreme, and I've seen some samples of extremely ripe Epoisses are so bad that they're banned from public transportation vehicles in France.
  • Army: Really good at 
  1. Not turning up for the battles
  2. Turning up late and telling you it's your fault for starting before lunch
  3. Getting beaten by rice eating peasants, primitive Arabs, Farmers.
  4. Running away
  5. Surrendering.
     (I should point out that the French troops are OK, it's their officers and general staff that are the problem, plus the political interference)
    • Medicine: ANY nation which has a preference for sticking medicines up your bum is seriously deranged.  DON'T ask for antibiotics if you're on holiday in La Belle France, unless you wish for a large object to be forced past your anus and up your rectum. If you really enjoy that sort of thing I advise either moving to :
    • France
    • Australia
      and becoming citizens. 
     Finally I beg you to ignore the French Language.

    Any country which deems it necessary to establish an organisation dedicated to maintaining the purity of the French Language has it's opinion of itself so far up it's own arse that it will probably meet a suppository coming down.  Vive L'Academie Française.

    #Huge Edit#
    Thanks to Second Fiddle for reminding me.


    Rot in hell you radioactive bastards.


    1. Did you mention the Rainbow warrior?

    2. Second: Excellent Point. I'll now edit the post. Thank you.

    3. I wonder where you stand on French Horns, French Dressing, French Fries, French polish, French windows, French beans, French toast, French bulldogs, French chalk, French pastry, French onion soup, French pleats, French poodles, French letters, French Kissing, French Ticklers, French maids and French knickers?
      Mmmm, on second thoughts I can imagine you standing for the last couple.

    4. French Horns, LOUD
      French Dressing, NOT AS GOOD S MAYONAISSE

      French Fries, CRISPY
      French polish, BORING AND BROWN
      French windows, TOO BIG
      French beans, TOO STRINGY
      French toast, TOO EGGY
      French chalk, ONLY FOR LADIES
      French pastry, GOOD
      French onion soup, GOOD, IF MADE PROPERLY
      French pleats, WHAT?
      French poodles, MINCING SHIT-MACHINE
      French letters, PURLOINED
      French Kissing, TONGUE-TWISTING
      French Ticklers, TONGUE TICKLING
      French maids TONGUE TREMBLING
      French knickers OK, IF MADE OF SILK

    5. By the time I get here it has all been said.

    6. Richard[ofRBB]: Well get in earlier nexttime. Stop fiddling with Gloria and your damn Evah Pirazzi Weichs. They're just bits of string for goodnes sake.

    7. Funny. Somewhere, I read another person complaining about the French preference for suppositories over oral medicines.

    8. Oh, and thanks for the potato scones recipe. They look good.

    9. Patience_Crabstick: I really think the French get some sort of gratification from this form of therapy. C'est la vie.

      Try the potato scones, they're good. I also apologise for the amount of space I took with the comment. it was not my intention to do so.


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