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Monday, 24 October 2011

If anyone asks

My beloved and my son and I have just applied for New Zealand citizenship (this has really nothing to do with the fact that the Abs have just won the Rugby World Cup (eat mud you cheese-eating surrender monkeys)


So, a warning.

If you are contacted by ANYONE (purporting to be) from  the NZ government, please remember the following:

1.  I have never actually made a nuclear device of any description; even the one in my garage with bits of smoke detectors, cyclotrons, or any smidgen of HMX, definitely.

2.  I have never been involved in any counter-terrorism operations, and any fingerprints developed from any cases in Gibraltar were purely a figment of the forensic scientist's imagination.

3. The body discovered in the water in Yorkhill Quay during Hogmanay (New Year to you bloody Sassenachs) had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me; he wasn't completely drunk and he never made a disparaging comment about my then girlfriend with the big temper and the savage right hook; "Big Liz"

Big Liz, of many, many happy memories and many bruises

4.  The bodies of the 127 dead and dismembered sheep found on a farm near Otterbourne in Northumberland in the 1970s had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me or my role as a safety officer for a live firing exercise a Regiment of Field Guns of the Royal Artillery.  I wasn't there.  No-body was there.  There were never any guns in Northumberland.  We were all in Germany anyway.  Or at home baby sitting.  Actually I'm not sure that Northumberland ever existed.  Capisce?

We were never there...RIGHT? or do you want a 155mm visitor in the middle of the night?

5. The incredibly obnoxious student found nailed to a wall in NLHS has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me, Geordie Lad, or The Banker.  The sod was obviously a lying git. Anyone can ask him.  Ask via The Warden, Rimutaka Prison.

6. The bad smell emanating from the back garden of my old house in Newport in Fife, Scotland has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with:
      • Our cat (was it my fault that it ate 23½ tablets of Paracetamol ground up in prime beef mince?)
      • The neighbours dog that barked all bloody night every night.
      • The 12 pigeons that crapped on our cars most days.
      • The previous occupant of the house who just wouldn't listen to a reasonable offer.
      • The really offensive turd who put a hand on my daughter on her first date when she was 17 (I warned him.  I even asked him to come in and look at my collection of Victorian Gelding Knives before they departed to the cinema)
7. I love Rugby, hate Soccer, Like Cheerios, Steak and Cheese Pies and even (*gag*) Lamingtons.

8. .  Fully support all variations, idiosyncrasies, deviations and outright perversions of the Treaty of Waitangi.
9. Have signed my soul (in blood) to everlasting support of the ALL BLACKS,comewhatmay, and to the deification of Daniel Carter.

10.  I like Beer, L & P, wear sunnies and jandles in the summer, always use sunblock and am aware of the dangers of sunstrike, earthquakes and Winston Peters.


    1. I am not going to even ask what a Lamington is....good luck!!

    2. A Lamington is a particularly sickly and unremarkable sponge cake, which is then covered in chocolate sauce and toenail clippings. Although disgusting, on the plus side, every bakery in NZ is legally obliged to sell Bacon and Egg pies in case you missed breakfast.

    3. YaH: I mentioned them, but hve never eaten them..I don't have the guts.

      Shackleford Hurtmore: Spot on, but you forgot that the pies MUST (by law)contain cheese.

    4. Noted. Is it necessary to like Cheerios in order to be a New Zealander?

    5. Patience_Crabstick: Unfortunately, yes. BUT, The cheerios to which I refer are not that nutritious and tasty cereal-based breakfast food produced in tiny little rings.

      NZ cheerios are small plump "sausages" with a vivid red or sometimes purple skin. The filling can be best described as "meat flavoured" and the disgusting things are traditionally served with lashings of ketchup.

    6. Actually Lamingtons can have a chocolate OR a pink covering and are rolled in coconut filings. TSB, if you haven't actually eaten at least one of each colour, forget the citizenship thing.
      My wife always refers to cherios as 'little boys'. Puts me off them a bit.

    7. Heaven citizenship is harder to get.

    8. Don't you think it would be an idea to wait until beloved is capitalised again before you take such a momentous step in your mutual lives? Although I notice she's moved up from superscript lately so obviously things are improving chez TSB.

    9. Richard [of RBB]: Thanks, but I've checked the small print in the documentation, and nowhere does it say that I have to like Lamingtons. Steak and Cheese Pies, yes, Lamingtons, no.

      Angry Jesus: Isn't it the same thing? Don't we live in GodZone?

      looby: Well spotted, yes my darling one has moved up from smallest font "b"to small font "b" and things are improving. Slowly.

    10. AHEM.Surely you mean Otterburn?And by the way I've heard the guns...

    11. Northern Snippet: You are quite correct, I should have typed Otterburn. I have spent many a happy hour in the Redesdale Arms (although it's really in Rochester) and the Percy Arms. Happy days, blowing up things (and sheep)in the day and getting pissed at night. *sigh*


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