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Saturday, 15 October 2011

Being; Becoming; A Grumpy Old bastard (1)

For some unknown, but probably pathological reason, quite a few of the commentators on these hallowed pages consider that I'm a grumpy bastard.

They may have a point.

I would like to point out that it gives me considerable pleasure (at least more bloody pleasure than my beloved has given me since she lost her capital letters and sense of humour) to be a really grumpy bastard.  Life is just so much more dark and twisted fun.

So I've decided to produce a guide to becoming a Grumpy Old Bastard (GOB), so any that as many people as possible can enter this hallowed state.

Don't get squeemish, it's natural.  Dear God I'm glad I'm a bloke.

Step 1: Get born into this vale of sorrows. I know it's a bit obvious, but you can't be a Grumpy Old Bastard if you don't exist.  For those unfortunates who haven't actually been born (like Ringo) but have spontaneously appeared on this planet, please do the following:

  • Check your operating manual, and look for the Properties/Configuration option re-setting your personality to GOB mode.  BE CAREFUL.  DO NOT try and reset to GOD mode.  That way lies gloom, despondency and eventual madness, as you realise you are now responsible for the billions of extremely stupid and vindictive humans on this planet.  You will just end up as an amoral, rude and bitter individual as happened to Ringo when he tried.
  • Check with your home planet if you are permitted to switch to GOB mode (does not apply to visitors from Vulcan as emotions are required to be a GOB)
  • Check for upgrades and patches for your operating system.
  • If you've recently evolved from a slime mould or other more basic life-form, I advise de-evolving as soon as possible.  It's just not worth it.  If you're determined to take your place in human society, contact David Attenborough, and he'll do a nice documentary on you, make you world-renowned and hated by millions for the fame that has been awarded to you.  Becoming a GOB is then automatic.  (See Jeremy Clarkson)

Step 2: Continue to exist for 20,090 days (minimum).  This will make you old, a pre-requisite for GOBdom.

There are however some options which can reduce the 20090 day minimum.
These are:
  1. Going to university and getting a degree
  2. Go to Teacher training college and get a PGDSE(Post Graduate Diploma given by Stupid Educationalists)
  3. Become a teacher in an inner city school
  4. Teach for a minimum of 15 years, putting up with stupid kids, arrogant managers, dangerously volatile parents, even more dangerously volatile and paranoid colleagues, low pay, low public respect and holidays that you are expected to work through doing marking, preparation, Professional Learning and consumption of Valium and alcohol.
This can produce a GOB in 13881 days (minimum)
DANGER This method while it can produce a GOB is more likely to produce a GIB (Gibbering Insane Bastard)  BE WARNED

Step 3:...(to be continued)


  1. I don't think I want to know step three.

  2. TC: Yes, now you come to mention it.

    Patience_crabstick: Neither do I. But unfortunately, I lived through it. Nasty

  3. I think another contributing factore perhaps is that access to weaponry was removed when you left the Army. If you'd been able to keep a personal weapon I suspect you may now be a happier person - lonelier, but infinitely happier......

  4. Alistair: Very good logic but wrong. I acquired a scope mounted M1 carbine as a fun gun. I can put in a 2 inch group at 200 metres. And you're right. It does make me happier.

  5. OK, good on you but perhaps you should view this:


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